Let’s Talk About… Boundaries

LET’S TALK ABOUT … BOUNDARIES 

Creating healthy boundaries in your life, in your relationships is EMPOWERING.

By recognizing the need to set and enforce limits, you protect your self- esteem, maintain self-respect, and enjoy healthy relationships.

And as we all know and have experienced, Unhealthy boundaries cause emotional pain that lead to dependency, unhappiness, confusion, abuse, and even stress-induced physical illness! You know, when you allow someone to do too much in your life that you haven’t authorized…

Or allowing someone to take advantage of your time, your space, your finances, and kindness… all symptoms caused by of unhealthy relationships boundaries!

A lack of boundaries is like leaving the door to your home UNLOCKED: anyone, including unwelcome guests, can enter at will.

On the other hand, having too rigid boundaries can lead to isolation, like living in a locked-up castle surrounded by a mote. No one can get in, and you can’t get out.

So, What are personal boundaries to be exact? Well, Personal boundaries, just like the “No Trespassing” sign, define where you end and others begin and are determined by the amount of physical and emotional space you allow between yourself and others.

Personal boundaries help you decide what types of communication, behavior, and interaction are acceptable.

And I’m sure you’re asking, why do we need boundaries?

Why is it important to set boundaries?

  • To practice self-care and self-respect
  • To communicate your needs in a relationship
  • To make time and space for positive interactions
  • To set limits in a relationship in a way that is healthy

 

Barriers to Boundary Setting

I know as women, we would never sign up to have our boundaries crossed or taken advantage of, So why do we allow it? Why do we NOT enforce or uphold our boundaries?

  • FEAR of rejection and, ultimately, abandonment.
  • FEAR of confrontation.
  • We were not TAUGHT healthy boundaries.
  • Safety Concerns

So today, I want to help you to establish healthy boundaries within your own life, because we ALL need them in order to be successful and empowered women!

  1. Ask yourself, what boundaries do I want to set?
  • When you identify the need to set a boundary, do it clearly, calmly, firmly, respectfully, and in as few words as possible.
  • Do not justify, get angry, or apologize for the boundary you are setting.
  1. Ask yourself, what relationships have been causing you stress, pain, unhappiness? Making you feel that you’re overstretching yourself and feeling violated?
  • You are not responsible for the other person’s reaction to the boundary you are setting. You are only responsible for communicating your boundary in a respectful manner. If it upset them, know it is their problem. Some people, especially those accustomed to controlling, abusing, or manipulating you, might test you. Plan on it, expect it, but remain firm. Remember, your behavior must match the boundaries you are setting. You cannot successfully establish a clear boundary if you send mixed messages by apologizing.
  • At first, you will probably feel selfish, guilty, or embarrassed when you set a boundary. Do it anyway and remind yourself you have a right to self-care. Setting boundaries takes practice and determination. Don’t let anxiety, fear or guilt prevent you from taking care of yourself.

Understand this, When you feel anger or resentment or find yourself whining or complaining, you probably need to set a boundary. Listen to yourself, determine what you need to do or say, then communicate assertively.

Learning to set healthy boundaries takes time. It is a process. Set them in your own time frame, not when someone else tells you.

Develop a support system of people who respect your right to set boundaries. Eliminate toxic persons from your life— those who want to manipulate, abuse, and control you.

 

If you’re needing extra support around setting healthy boundaries this week, set up a 45-minute Discovery Call with me! I will help you to put a plan in action that will help you to confidently want to begin setting boundaries within your own life!

www.calendly.com/xerces/boundary

 

 

Life

LIFE

Be aware and beware of making EXCUSES and inventing reasons why life is too difficult for you to navigate through and/or manage on your own.

Now that I’ve got your attention, I’d love for you to think about something!

I think we can all agree that Most of us were taught to approach life in a very linear way; life appears to move forward, right?

And as life moves on, it’s logical that the more change and transition you go through, the more opportunity you have to understand the patterns of your life, how you handle change, and whether or not you can successfully navigate necessary transitions along your journey.

Being able to understand, to know, where you are at any given point is a very valuable tool. By the time you are a young woman you’ve experienced enough to know some essential things about yourself: what you like and what you don’t like, what you excel at and what you have no interest in, what your special talents and gifts are, what really works for you, and what falls short of your reasonable expectations. At least that’s what we expect right?

As you move forward in life you begin to realize that all of the things you’ve experienced are what mold you to become a better woman, are what are able to equip you to handle certain situations and be “aware” of when similar situations arise that you can prepare for ahead of time.

As you go through life and grow through life, there are some key principles that are important to understand along this journey

 

  1. Whatever happens to you is ultimately up to you! (Yes I mean this)

Be aware and beware of making EXCUSES and inventing reasons why life is too difficult for you to navigate through and/or manage on your own. Do NOT assume that what seems comfortable and familiar is always for your greater good, because it’s not. That comfort zone can keep you stuck, stagnant, and unhappy if you pay attention. By relinquishing your responsibility for yourself you allow others to make vital choices and decisions for you. It’s no longer your life; it’s someone living your life for you.

  1. After you’ve weighed your options, you need to put your thoughts and feelings into motion. (Or you’ll end up stuck in that comfort zone)

Conscious action has the power to creatively translate your personal, intimate, inner world into a tangible, recognizable process in the world outside of your self. Consider all of the possibilities and then choose one and pursue it to its conclusion.

  1. Becoming personally accountable for yourself and your actions frees you from outside influences, boosts confidence in your ability to make healthy choices and decisions, and ultimately fosters trust in your own process.

This is also a key way to express your individuality, to present a unique and fresh perspective. Recognize that change is essential for living a fruitful life. Fear of change, fear of stepping into the unknown, creates a monolithic existence, often dull, narrow in scope, and uninspired. Change creates possibility.

  1. Make sure to take time for yourself.

What do you do when you sense that you yourself may need to adjust your plans as opposed to an outside event that forces you to change? Perhaps you begin to feel that the course you’ve set out on doesn’t feel right or are experiencing inner turmoil about a decision you’ve made.

The realization that things aren’t what you want them to be may be accompanied by any number of emotions and their degree of severity: fear, frustration, resentment, guilt, anxiety and/or depression, and even panic.

The realization or insight may hit that the choices or decisions you’ve made aren’t working—maybe never did, maybe never will. Perhaps the direction your life has taken had more to do with influential people around you and you want and intend to do something different for yourself now.

Decide to take ownership and responsibility for your life’s choices and their consequences.

Choose to do what you feel is best for you. Choose what’s more interesting to you, or something you feel passionately about, or focus on what you believe will be most-fulfilling and satisfying. Be prepared for input from others, whether you want that or nor, but stick to your guns once you begin.

Clarity In the Way That You Need It

I use the word Clarity quite a bit because it has deep meaning for women who are trying to understand their purpose.

A woman who feels like she should be doing something more in her life, a woman that feels like she is afraid… Afraid of failing, afraid of moving forward into the unknown… this word Clarity brings deeper meaning into their lives.

One big question to ask yourself that helps in gaining Clarity, is “what is my purpose in life?”

Purpose gives you a sense of fulfillment, a sense of joy and happiness in knowing who you are and what you’re meant to do in life.

It’s very easy to get lost in the mental process of trying to figure out how to deal with life. If you’ve ever been faced with a tough decision you’ll know that it can be hard to avoid getting caught up in never-ending thinking, calculating, worrying and second guessing.

Deep within you is a strong power, a power within your mind that may be blocked by stress or having an overactive mind.

The problem is that most of the time we are too mentally clouded to allow these insights, or understandings within our mind to surface and become apparent to us.

So what I do with my coaching, when working with my amazing clients, is I help them to dig deep into the center, dig deep into understanding who they are and what their purpose is. Helping them to establish routines and habits that help them to rely on themselves, digging deep into understanding themselves and being happy with who they are on the inside.

This isn’t an easy road, but once you’ve gained clarity into understanding who you are and your purpose, that fear that has been holding you back for so long, that fog in your brain that’s kept you stuck, is no longer a block or factor keeping you from being optimal success in your life.

There are 3 KEY steps in helping you to gain clarity, confidence, and direction:

1. The first step is self-awareness, in discovering TRULY who you are. This is a realization of what is going on inside you and around you. In gaining clarity your perspective about yourself and your life begin to change.

  1. You begin paying attention & noticing things that have always been around you
  2. You see things in a new light and begin to shift your perspective in certain areas of your life
  3. It often seems as if you are opening your eyes for the first time—really seeing what is POSSIBLE in your life. Figuring out your true needs, your true capabilities, and questioning yourself as to where to go next.

With self-awareness, you realize that you have been “blinded” by the norms of what people consider life, and now you are ready to LIVE.

2. The second step is Direction, clarifying what you want. Your direction can be a place, an experience, and state of being or profession.

  1. When you know where you are going it gives you a greater sense of purpose and determination. It helps you create a plan to move forward since you know where forward is.
  2. You need to be aware of your vision, which is a picture of your future or present life that serves as inspiration and foundation for planning and goal setting.
  3. You need to be aware of your purpose, which shows up in the impact you are having and the one you would like to have in your life and work. Impact includes the type of difference you want to make in your work and life. It contributes to a sense of fulfillment

 

3. Next we have Exploration & Action, which are basically getting started on your own path. This process allows you to take what you’ve learned about who you are and where you are going and learn what further knowledge, skills, or experience is needed—what it will take for you to get what you want!

  1. You begin to create specific goals and from those goals you create an action plan to work through and achieve them
  2. Your goals should be written down. What is most important when writing goals is that they align with your vision and intentions and that they are clear enough so you can take action around them.
  3. Your plan includes the bigger picture of all your goals and how they fit together toward the realization of your vision and intentions.
  4. Your strategy is your method of working through your goals that may include time you will devote to each goal, choosing which comes first, which goals may have a ripple effect on the others and much more. Having a strategy helps you integrate your exploration and action into your daily life

With these Key steps you are able to gain a more clear and confident direction in who you are and what you want in life. When you are clear in taking action or clear in who you are, you gain the confidence in KNOWING what you need to do and how to get it done.

This is NOT an easy process by any means, but it’s necessary when you feel like you’re stuck, you’re wanting something better for your life, and you’re wanting to succeed.

Success and change takes action, and as a personal empowerment coach, that’s what I am here to help you do!

Reality & Mind

Reality & Mind

 

“Reality is a projection of your thoughts or the things you habitually think about”

Ask yourself, “what is my reality?” 

What are you so focused on day in and day out that it creates the reality of ‘without,’ or ‘need of more?’

Or do you have focus on the things you do have and the the ways you can create more?

If you’re still reading, then I’m guessing it’s the latter of the two … and if you’re still reading, this is a good thing! You’re wanting answers!

Your reality is a projection of your thoughts. Whatever you’re focusing the most on in your life is what you will see, what you will attract, and what you will feel.

“I get that Xerces, so how do I change this?”

I’m glad you asked! Change takes time. Change and permanent change in your thinking requires consistency and understanding WHY you are wanting to change.

If you’re always focusing on what you don’t have OR what is going on in your life, but seeing your life as “less” or “negative,” then you’re looking at yourself as the victim rather than looking at yourself as a person who DID play a part in getting you to where you are today. 

You have to start by focusing on being PRESENT. Being in the moment of your life and with each choice of your actions, asking yourself, “is this going to help me move towards a better life or keep me stuck in the same situation?”

Ask yourself this everyday, ask yourself this in every situation, and BE PRESENT!!

As an empowerment guide for women, I help women to learn to be present and create the life they desire to live! Creating a strong mental reality that allows them to move into their desires and success!

If you’re ready to take the next step in your life’s journey to live the life you were destined to live, no excuses, no gimmicks, true time, accountability, and guidance, I am here for you!

Let’s see what we can do to work within your lifestyle!

Questions to Ask Yourself to Get Clear On Your Vision

Do you need anyone to help you achieve your vision?

A clear Vision is necessary but not sufficient.

Your Vision becomes your Goal.

There are some new age programs that may lead you to believe that if you create a ‘wished for’ vision and concentrate on that vision long enough, it will come to you.

Sounds nice and easy, even too good to be true?

And you know what they say, if it is too good to be true, than it is not true.

Success, and remember this is any degree of success, can only be achieved by planning.

Successful people make plans for success. True success comes from Vision, but it needs a Strategy.

Some questions to answer:

1. Are you getting the most value from your life? 2. Do you plan?
3. Do you have a Life Plan?
4. Do you have a daily plan?
5. Do you have a weekly plan?
6. What is your 5 year strategy for your life?
7. What kind of plan do you need to create?
8. What help or resources do you need?
9. What is your next step?
10. What is the best way for you to make this happen?
11.What should you try this time that you haven’t tried before?
12. What does planning mean to you?
13. Why should you plan?
14. What examples of planning do you use every day?
15. What is your next step?
16. What structures would help you remember your to-do actions?

When you’re working on a strategy for your vision, whether it is personal or business, having a plan with a visual execution is key!

Do you have a plan? Do you need help creating your vision?

If so, please contact me for a FREE 20- Minute Vision Call as we help you to really narrow down what needs to happen in your life!